Monday, Debtember 30, 2013
It's Apple! Upgrading to an iPhone 5 should be easy, right? Right?
I've had my iPhone 4 for several years now. I like it, and aside from the power button being a bit wonky after that zombie clown attack in Atlanta a few months ago [Zombie clown attack? You never mentioned a zombie clown attack! And when were you in Atlanta? —Editor] [Back in early November. Say, I never did mention the whole zombocalypse in Atlanta, did I? —Sean] [No, you never did. —Editor] [Okay, here—have a picture of a zombie clown. —Sean]
[There! Happy now? —Sean] [No. I want to know more. —Editor] [Well, tough! It'll have to wait! —Sean] [Bastard! —Editor], but when it (“it” being the wonky power button, not the zombie clown attack) came to the attention of Bunny, she felt I should get a new iPhone. And lo, it was time for an upgrade anyway.
So she planned this for a combo-Christmas/birthday gift and therefore we found ourselves at the mall, in a Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller (no names, but at one point it's rumored the Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller once sold radios, but I can't seem to verify that) to get an upgrade to the iPhone 5. The iPhone 5c seemed too cheap to me—I mean, this is Apple—you are already paying a premium and for said premium, I want something made of premium materials. Sure, in the 60s plastic might have been a premium material, but this is the 21st century—-plastic is sooooo 20th century. The 5s premium was a bit too premium, so that left the plain iPhone 5.
It's here that the entire operation goes pear shaped.
The salescritter helping us, is … how shall I put this … um … in over his head. It's clear he has no idea what he's doing, much less an idea of what store he's actually in. I made my decision, and it takes him something on the order of ten minutes to actually find the item in stock. Then it comes time to actually make the transaction.
First, another salescritter has has to walk him through ringing up the item. Then he has to be walked through transferring the phone number from the old phone to the new phone. Then he has to be walked through printing out the documents. Then he has to be walked through walking us through in signing the documents. Only then, nearly twenty minutes later, does he allow me to actually handle the new iPhone 5.
Only I don't get to handle it. He has to be walked through in cutting open the cellophane around the box, then walked through taking it off and opening the box, then walked through pulling the iPhone 5 out of the box and turning it on, only to realize it isn't charged at all.
Half an hour later, it's charged just enough to turn it on. Another few minutes to explain that I would like for him to transfer all the data from my old phone to the new phone, and then he has to be walked through transfering only the contacts and the two photos I had on my old phone to the new phone.
Yet another half an hour to transfer my existing phone numbers and two pictures from my old phone to the new phone (I actually expected much worse though, and had prepared by backing up my iPhone 4 prior to leaving the house).
And only then did I get a chance to actually see and hold my new iPhone 5.
During the long periods of waiting, I had checked the Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller for new iPhone 5 cases, given that Apple saw fit to make the iPhone 5 about a centimeter longer than the iPhone 4. I would have to give up on the rubberesque case I normally use (and really like, along with the Hipstamatic—sigh) unless I could find a suitable replacement.
And no, I could not find a suitable replacement. But I was asked, multiple times, if I also wanted to get a new case. The first time I informed the salescritter that I wanted to conclude this transaction (“this” being the actual purchanse of the iPhone 5) before worrying about a case. The six subsequent times I had to keep reminding him that I already said "not now." (granted, having worked at the Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller many many years ago before it became the Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller, I know that salescritters get paid by commission, hence the hard sell, but come on! Three times should be enough of a clue—sheesh!).
I do know we were at the Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller for over an hour, maybe an hour and a half, before we walked out, vowing never again to return to said Certified Oligarchist Cell Phone Company Reseller (that may or may not have sold radios at one point in history).
I did find a new case for the iPhone 5, but that was after visiting two other stores and paying a nice premium for a leather case.
We spent nearly 2½ hours at the mall, getting an iPhone 5 and a case. Once I got home, the real fun began.
First, an hour to upgrade iOS from 6 to 7 that was mandatory before I could even think of restoring the backup. Then another hour trying to get the proper backup restored on the phone. It took that long to realize that my new iPhone had not only a different “name” than my old iPhone, but that iTunes keeps the backups from different devices in different locations and would default to offer backups only from the plugged in device. The UI is a bit unclear on that (also, iTunes is now under the impression that I now have six iPhones, two iPads and an iPod in a pear tree. This just makes the situation all the more merrier. Ho ho ho).
So, nearly five hours to upgrade from an iPhone 4 to an iPhone 5. Boy, I sure am glad that Apple makes this easy to do.