While looking for the source of last night's joke I did come across some really good bits from otherwise “eh” to “burn it. Burn it all to Hell! I never wrote such trash!” columns) like the following from “Looking into the library and Check-point-Charlie” (a commentary on the bag search the FAU library had instituted at the time):
Curses! Trapped again by Check-point Charlie. I open my knapsack, which was ransacked by the man.
“Right! You're cleared.”
“Can I ask what you're looking for?” I cautiously ask.
“Any material that belongs here in the library that has not been properly checked out, government forms, periodicals, microfilm, that sort of stuff.”
“What about rifles, shotguns, sub-machineguns, knives, numchauks, Chinese stars, cocaine, marijuana, heroine, pornographic material or bombs that I may have?”
“As long as you don't hijack the library, it's fine.” Well, ask a silly question …
Murphy's Law, December 9th, 1987
Or this bit, from “Conner's rash of bad luck” whereby I talked about working at Radio Shack back when they actually carried all sorts of electrical devices:
“Hello, can I help you find some particular item?” I ask, after my manager throws me in the customer's direction.
“Yes, I'm trying to hook up my VCR to my car battery and 8mm movie projector, so I can record my home movies while I drive to Hueytown, Alabama. But I'm not entirely sure how to do it? Do you sell anything that I could possibly use?” is the usual request of the customer.
“Uhhhhhhh …” I say, looking around the store for something that looks remotely like a VCR-car battery/8mm movie projector connection kit and seeing nothing. “Do we have any VCR-car battery/8mm movie projector connection kits?” I end up asking the manager.
“Yes, right here,” he says, walks over to where I am standing, and holds up a cable. “One end goes into the VCR, this end goes into the 8mm movie projector, and these two ends (four ends on a cable?) hook on the car battery,” he says, holding the strange looking cable. “And over here we have the Radio Shack Universal Mounting Kit that goes with the cable, but we sell them separately to get more money.”
“Fine, I'll take it,” says the customer. And then my manager writes up the ticket and get the 6.25% commission.
Murphy's Law, October 5th, 1988
And this bit, from “Time for a checkup and a nasty shot of novocaine:”
“How was the dentist?” mom asked when I got home.
“Tewwible,” I replied.
“Oh well, I rented you a movie to make up for the visit,” said mom, handing me a video tape.
“Wha' is it?” I asked.
Murphy's Law, November 16th, 1988
Trust me, the rest of the quoted columns? You don't need to read. And the columns not here? You don't need to read those either.