Thursday, July 03, 2003
Get your true astrological signs here!
Astrologically, you are not what you seem. Unlike the inferior products sold by our competitors, our horoscopes take account of your one and a bit star sign shift to the left due to the precession of the equinoxes since the Stiwkuf invented astrology way back in the olden days. Also, and for no extra charge, we give you all thirteen of the Twelve Signs of the Zodiac. But wait! There is more, our meretricious “Zodiacal Light Program” will include, absolutely free and post free—provided you read Your True Horoscope within the next 666 days—the current and true details about the time the sun spends in each of the Astronomical Constellations of the Ecliptic. Now you could not do better than that could you?
Only God can predict the future better than Fred Thornett!
Everything you thought you knew about your astrology sign is wrong!
Remember that whole 60s bit about entering the Age of Aquarius? Well,
that whole bit was about which sign the Spring Equinox falls in—these days
it is indeed in Aquarius. The original signs were done in the Age of Aries
and since then we've slipped through the Age of Fish Pisces.
Unfortunately, someone forgot to tell the Astrologers, or they weren't listening (must have been all those drugs back then). Not only that, but there are actually thirteen constellations encircling the celestrial equator, not twelve! So using the above as a guide, I've constructed the following table so you too, can determine you actual astrological sign so you too, can read the correct forcast (sorry Ophiuchans, no fortunes for you!).
| Sign | Traditional dates | Actual dates | # actual days |
|---|---|---|---|
| Sign | Traditional dates | Actual dates | # actual days |
| Aries the Ram | March 21–April 20 | April 19–May 13 | 32 |
| Taurus the Bull | April 21–May 20 | May 15–June 19 | 25 |
| Gemini the Twins | May 21–June 21 | June 20–July 20 | 31 |
| Cancer the Crab | June 22–July 23 | July 21–August 9 | 20 |
| Leo the Lion | July 24–August 23 | August 10–September 15 | 37 |
| Virgo the Virgin | August 24–September 23 | September 16–October 30 | 45 |
| Libra the Scales | September 24–October 23 | October 31–November 22 | 23 |
| Scorpio the Scorpion | October 24–November 22 | November 23–November 29 | 7 |
| Ophiuchus the Snake Holder | N/A | November 30–December 17 | 18 |
| Sagittarius the Archer | November 23–December 22 | December 18–January 18 | 32 |
| Capricorn the Goat | December 23–January 20 | January 19–February 15 | 28 |
| Aquarius the Water Bearer | January 21–February 19 | February 16–March 11 | 24 |
| Pisces the Fish | February 20–March 20 | March 12–April 18 | 38 |
Update on Monday, July 7th
Unnerving telemarketers
I answered the phone. “Hello?” I said.
Pause.
“Hello?”
A faint click. I knew what was coming.
“Hello,” said the voice. “Can I please speak to … ” Slight pause. “Rob Summers?”
“I'm sorry, but … ” Slight pause. “Rob Summers … ” Slight pause. “is not here right now. Can I take a message?”
“No, that's okay. I'll call back at a better time.” Click.
Heh.
This is the second time I've added a pause around the name of the requested person and it really seems to unnerve the telemarketers.
Note to Mr. Robertson: technically, they're a church too!
The prospect of Scientology or other non-mainstream religious groups profiting from the federal faith-based initiative has been a concern for leading Protestant evangelicals including Christian Coalition televangelist Pat Robertson. No sooner had Bush set up his White House Office of Faith-Based and Community Initiatives than Robertson was blasting the program on his “700 Club” television show.
“I really don't know what to do,” Robertson complained. “This thing (the initiative) could be a real Pandora's box. And what seems to be such a great initiative can rise up to bite the organizations as well as the federal government.”
For Robertson, the prospect of groups like the Hare Krishna Scientology, and even Rev. Sun Myung Moon's Unification Church receiving government funding to operate religion-saturated social programs was, well, profane.
Via Flutterby, RELIGIOUS RIGHT DILEMMA: CRUISE LOBBYING FOR SCIENTOLOGY FAITH-BASED INITIATIVE GRANTS?
This is funny.
I'm guessing that when President Bush first proposed this, Mr. Robertson was all too happy for it to pass and didn't pause to think what might happen.
Ah, unintended consequences …
