Thursday, November 28, 2002
Gobble gobble!My Dad sent me the following recipe for Thanksgiving turkey:
- 10-12 lb. Turkey
- 1 cup melted butter
- 3 cups stuffing
- 2 cups uncooked popcorn
- salt/pepper to taste
- Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
- Brush Turkey well with melted butter, salt and pepper.
- Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
- Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of oven.
- Listen for popping sounds.
- When the Turkey's rear end blows the oven door open and the Turkey flies across the room, it's done.
It's a traditional recipe when anybody who is anybody these days knows that you brine the sucker first and don't stuff it (although I might do the popcorn thang).
So I'm off to brine the bird …
Letter to Joe Udah, Nigeria
- Sean “Captain Napalm” Conner <firstname.lastname@example.org>
- Joe Udah <email@example.com>
- DPR (JOINT VENTURE)
- Thu, 28 Nov 2002 11:05:00 -0500
DEPARTMENT OF PETROLEUM RESOURCES
PLOT 225 KOFO ABAYOMI STREET VICTORIA ISLAND,LAGOS, NIGERIA.
DIRECT FAX: 234 1 759 0904. TEL; 234 1- 7763126
ATTENTION: THE PRESIDENT/C.E.O
RE: URGENT & CONFIDENTIAL BUSINESS PROPOSAL
I am ENGR. JOE UDAH (MON) member committee of the above department.
Terms of Reference
My term of reference involves the award of contracts to multinational companies.
My office is saddled with the responsibility of contract award, screening, categorization and prioritization of projects embarked upon by Department of Petroleum Resources (DPR) as well as feasibility studies for selected projects and supervising the project consultants involved. A breakdown of the fiscal expenditure by this office as at the end of last fiscal quarter of 2000 indicates that DPR paid out a whooping sum of US$736M (Seven Hundred And Thirty Six Million, United States Dollars) to successful contract beneficiaries. The DPR is now compiling beneficiaries to be paid for the third Quarter of 2002.
The crux of this letter is that the finance/contract department of the DPR deliberately over invoiced the contract value of the various contracts awarded. In the course of disbursements, this department has been able to accumulate the sum of US$38.2M (Thirty-eight Million, two hundred Thousand U.S Dollars) as the over-invoiced sum. This money is currently in a suspense account of the DPR account with the Debt Reconciliation Committee (DRC). We now seek to process the transfer of this fund officially as contract payment to you as a foreign contractor, who will be fronting for us as the beneficiary of the fund. In this way we can facilitate these funds into your nominated account for possible investment abroad. We are not allowed as a matter of government policy to operate any foreign account to transfer this fund into. However, for your involvement in assisting us with this transfer into your nominated account we have evolved a sharing formula as follows:
- 20% for you as the foreign partner
- 75% for I and my colleagues
- 5% will be set aside to defray all incidental expenses both Locally and Internationally during the course of this transaction.
We shall be relying on your advice as regard investment of our share in any business in your country. Be informed that this business is genuine and 100% safe considering the high-power government officials involved. Send your private fax/telephone numbers. Upon your response we shall provide you with further information on the procedures. Feel free to send response by Fax: 234-1-7590904 / TEL: 234-1-7763126 expecting your response urgently. All enquiries should be directed to the undersigned by FAX OR PHONE.
Looking forward to a good business relationship with you.
ENGR. JOE UDAH (MON)
Dear Mr. Udah,
I am shocked, nay, dismayed at the corruption and strife going on in your part of the world. I've been in contact with Mr. David Tofa, Manager of the Eastern District Bank for Africa, PLC who wanted to move $26,000,000 (20% cut for me) out of his country. Things were going along nicely and I flew out to Brussels for a meeting. I later learned through a contact I had with the Nigeria Ministry of Information (NMI) that as he attempted to fly out of Porto-Novo, Benin (to avoid scrutiny of the Nigerian military) he was caught in a rebel insurgency there and had to use $16,500,000 as ransom to the Benin General People's United Army of Liberation. Before he was able to leave Benin he was yet again kidnapped; this time by the Benin Republic Liberation Army of the People but in turn the van he was being transported in was blown up by the Democratic Army for the Liberation of the Republican People of Benin. It was quite the mess let me assure you.
While sitting in a cyber café in Brussels I was then contacted by John Doe, the elder brother to the late Liberian President Samuel Doe (who was murdered by the then rebel leader Charles Taylor, now Liberian President) who wanted to move $18,500,000 (25% plus expenses) out of his country. I agreed to meet him in Freetown, Sierra Leone since it was close to him and I had business there to help move some diamonds out of the country. We were close to actually consumating the deal when I was doubled crossed by the Sierra Leone diamond merchants and I'm afraid that the late John Doe was caught in the Men's room of a Kurdish restaurant during a bomb explosion set off by Iraqi agents thinking I was a CIA operative. I'm nothing more than an honest person trying to help launder money for those less fortunate than myself; I am in no way a CIA operative.
The deal with Ekwueme Chiekwugo Ukwu fell apart as well. He had first contacted me under the name of Dr. Oshoniwo Kogi, an official of the Federal Government of Nigeria, looking to transfer $10,500,000 (20% cut). Knowing the circumstances of your government I could understand why he choose to use a pseudonym but previous legal entanglements with the government of Libya blocked the transfer of funds. Over a month and a half later he got in contact with me again, under the name of Dr. Edet Amama, yet another official of the Nigerian Federal Government. I went to Lichtenstein to meet with him but found out later that he was attempting to move much more than the $10,500,000 he claimed to have by using several agents, one claiming to be James T. Kirk from the United States but in reality was an ex-KGB agent now working for the Chechnya separatist government. The last I heard Mr. Ukwu was still in an Algerian prison waiting to be extradited (please do not ask how I know such information; even if I were inclined to tell you, I would have to silence you afterwards).
Your offer of $7,640,000 (net) is the best I've received yet, but I'm afraid that with the recent events it is no longer financially viable for me to continue with such endeavors. So it is with much regret that I have to turn down your fine offer.
I do hope that you find another agent to work with, but beware of James T. Kirk; he's a most unsavory character.
Sean “Captain Napalm” Conner
Fat, dumb and happyConsidering that the bird hadn't thawed before brining and not discovering this until afterwards, then some last minute thawing triage which threw the timing of everything else off, the meal was quite successful. Which is to say, the bird wasn't totally dry.
Nap timeeeeeeee. . . . . . . .zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz