It took a month and a half but my “self-review from hell” was rejected (and eight hours of my time wasted). This did not surprise me. But The Process is important because it's The Process, and thus, I will find myself spending another eight hours appeasing The Corporate Overlords Of The Corporation.
A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements document for a new application. The manager asked the master: “How long will it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?”
“It will take one year,” said the master promptly.
“But we need this system immedately or even sooner! How long will it take if I assign ten programmers to it?”
The master programmer frowned. “In that case, it will take two years.”
“And if I assign a hundred programmers to it?”
The master programmer shrugged. “Then the design will never be completed,” he said.
Thus spake the master programmer:
“Let the programmers be many and the managers few—then all will be productive.”
A group of programmers were presenting a report to the Emperor. “What was the greatest achievement of the year?” the Emperor asked.
The programmers spoke among themselves and then replied, “We fixed 50% more bugs this year than we fixed last year.”
The Emperor looked on them in confusion. It was clear that he did not know what a “bug” was. After conferring in low undertones with his chief minister, he turned to the programmers, his face red with anger. “You are guilty of poor quality control. Next year there will be no ‘bugs’!” he demanded.
And sure enough, when the programmers presented their report to the Empoeror the next year, there was no mention of bugs.