Sometimes, a setback is just what we need to clear our minds and rethink the problem.
Postfix and Sendmail handle external policy checkers differently (and I assume Qmail handles them differently as well).
Write the Postfix and Sendmail policy checkers to talk to a long-lived graylist daemon, which should simplify things quite a bit.
Now that I've decyphered the Postfix protocol (it's only when you check the example graylist server that you find some critical information not mentioned in the documentation—sheesh) things should go a bit more smoothly.
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